


Weasley Men Are Terrible Patients (and even worse nursemaids)

by luvscharlie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Community: bill_ficathon, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-12
Updated: 2013-10-12
Packaged: 2017-12-29 05:26:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1001553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luvscharlie/pseuds/luvscharlie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bill has contracted Dragon Pox, and since Charlie's the only one who has been adequately vaccinated, it falls to him to play nursemaid to the patient from hell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Weasley Men Are Terrible Patients (and even worse nursemaids)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [luvsev](https://archiveofourown.org/users/luvsev/gifts).



> The line about hatchlings being able to camp under the tent came from a similar line that Phoebe says on an episode of Friends, only substituting hatchlings for boy scouts. 

Here's my contribution to [](http://bill-ficathon.livejournal.com/profile)[**bill_ficathon**](http://bill-ficathon.livejournal.com/)

 **Title:** Weasley Men Are Terrible Patients (and even worse nursemaids)  
 **Author:** [](http://luvscharlie.livejournal.com/profile)[**luvscharlie**](http://luvscharlie.livejournal.com/)  
 **Rating:** NC-17  
 **Pairing(s):** Bill/Fleur; Bill and Charlie (though not as a pairing); past mentions of Bill/Tonks and Charlie/Tonks  
 **Word Count:** 3,753  
 **Warnings:** Foul language and the kind of lewd discussions that only brothers can have; mutual wanking, sex toys, a bit of objectifying of women, though I don't think it was extreme, talk of breastfeeding in a sexual way.  
 **Summary:** Bill has contracted Dragon Pox, and since Charlie's the only one who has been adequately vaccinated, it falls to him to play nursemaid to the patient from hell.  
 **Author's notes:** Originally written for [](http://luvsev.livejournal.com/profile)[**luvsev**](http://luvsev.livejournal.com/) at the 2012 [](http://bill-ficathon.livejournal.com/profile)[**bill_ficathon**](http://bill-ficathon.livejournal.com/). Set post DH, while Fleur is pregnant with Louis. I drew upon the requests of the lovely pairings of Bill/Fleur, Bill/Charlie and a request for humour and "tattoos are sexy, as are piercings" and well developed characterization (I hope I got that one, I do love writing brotherly banter). Thank you to my lovely [](http://lunalovepotter.livejournal.com/profile)[**lunalovepotter**](http://lunalovepotter.livejournal.com/) for the beta work.

There was a clatter from the laundry room at Shell Cottage, which was followed closely by an angry male voice saying "Fuck my life!" There were three loud clangs and then, "Why the fuck did I let fucking Percy talk me into this? Fucking moron, that's what I am."

Bill sniggered then yelled out so that his brother would be sure to hear him. "No disagreements here. I've always said you were a moron, Charlie Boy."

"Fuck you." Charlie came into the room where Bill was sat on his bed, his skin green and spotty, his hair a tangled mess and his dressing gown looking natty. Charlie's muscled and tattooed arms were piled high with laundry, and he left a trail of falling socks behind him as he walked. He dumped the pile of clean clothing on the bed, and a pair of little pink knickers landed on the carpet.

"Fuck!" Charlie exclaimed. "I've been here all of five minutes, and I have to deal with knickers." His half-grin emerged, "Well, I _do_ knickers, if you know what I mean." He nudged Bill with an elbow and took the tiny undergarment in his hands. "So do these belong to my sexy, sexy sister-in-law?" Charlie's eyes glazed over a bit. His slight crush on Fleur wasn't something he even attempted to hide. It wouldn't have done any good; Bill knew him too well for that.

"Those belong to little Dominique." Bill's tone was flat, but he couldn't help but laugh when Charlie threw them across the room with a repulsed look.

"That's disgusting!" Charlie exclaimed. He shuddered. "Ew!"

"What?" Bill demanded, his good humour at Charlie's repulsion taken over by his coughing. A concerned look crossed Charlie's face, and it didn't escape Bill's attention. "I'm fine. You're such a mother hen."

Charlie took a pair of pink, lacy socks he was attempting to roll into a folded ball, and pegged Bill on the forehead with it. "Shut it. It's not like I want to be here. I'm just the only one who has been vaccinated against Dragon Pox, what with my being around the rotten beasts every day. Besides, Fleur's pregnant. She doesn't need to take any risks with my precious new niece or nephew-to-be. I'm just sure this one's going to be born on my birthday." He raised an eyebrow and nodded in Bill's direction. "Good planning, by the way."

"Yes, because you were exactly what I was thinking about when I was fucking my wife."

Charlie pursed his lips and blew Bill a comical kiss. "I always suspected I filled your lurid thoughts." He scratched his chin and grinned wide, wrinkles forming around his eyes. "I wonder if Fleur thinks about me when she's fucking the likes of you."

The pink socks Charlie had used as a weapon smacked him in the chest. "Oi! Just wondering. I'm a very inquisitive guy, you know." He gave himself a look over while he pulled a bed sheet from the stack and attempted to wrestle it into a folded linen. "And I'm certainly every woman's wet dream, so it's a perfectly logical deduction that Fleur would be thinking of me and wishing she had my big cock shagging her rotten, while she's settling for that tiny little pencil dick of yours." He shook the sheet hard. "How the fuck does Mum fold these damn things? It's like an impossible puzzle."

"First of all, say something else about my wife, and I will forget I'm sick and kick your arse." A coughing fit came at exactly the wrong moment, so that all menace left Bill's threat, and Charlie dropped the unfolded sheet and went running for a glass of water.

Bill tried to call after his brother's retreating back and assure Charlie that he was fine, but the coughing prevented actual words. Charlie came rushing back into the room as Bill's coughing was beginning to subside, tripped over the tangled bedsheet, and before Bill could do anything to save himself, he was dripping water and the bed was soaked.

Charlie response was less than that of a loving caretaker. "Oh fuck. Now I have to change the sheets." A flash of glee crossed his face and he picked up the sheet he'd been attempting to fold. "Which means I don't have to try and fold this; I can just put these on the bed now. Yes!"

There was a little ridiculous looking victory dance before Charlie gave Bill a hard shove off the bed, and Bill barely got his feet beneath him before landing on his spotty bum, as Charlie began ripping the wet sheets off the mattress in a flurry. The bottom sheet landed on Bill's head and he had a hell of a time getting it off.

"Is this how you treat sick people? Gods be damned, you must be the worst nursemaid ever." Bill used his wand to dry himself off.

Charlie grimaced at the disparaging comments regarding his nursing skills and puffed out the bottom bedsheet, making it billow balloonlike before it floated down to the bed. He tucked in the first corner and started around to the next.

"Fleur does the top corners first."

Charlie ignored the comment and continued his pulling and tugging on the sheet until he was at the fourth corner.

"Fleur doesn't leave wrinkles in the middle. Look, you've got a great big bubble right there in the centre. You're doing it wrong."

He didn't let that bit of criticism go. Instead, he snapped, "Fleur is in France visiting her family. She's a little too far away to be making your beddy-bye all smooshy-wooshy, Billy Boy." He used the baby voice that insinuated that Bill enjoyed being babied and waited on hand and foot. "If Fleur was here, she'd box your ears and tell you to stop acting like a bloody baby and behave yourself. Merlin, be a man, you whiny prat!"

"And that distant sound you're hearing," Bill said, "is the entire wizarding world rejoicing that you chose a career in dragon taming, not healing. Your bedside manner sucks."

"THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS DRAGON TAMING!!! I'm a dragon _keeper_. Dragons can't be tamed. They are wild, uncontrollable, dangerous beasts. That's a miscomber!" Charlie's ears turned red with anger, and he gave the flat sheet a brutal tucking under at the corner of the mattress.

"I think you mean misnomer, baby brother." Bill was doing his best to stamp down a chuckle that was quickly rising to the surface.

"What the fuck ever!" Charlie shook a pillow into its case and slammed it down on the bed. "Good grammar doesn't mean much, when you don't know the difference between taming and keeping."

"Burr in your dragon riding saddle then?"

"Oh. My. Fucking. God. You fucking moron. You cannot saddle a dragon! Hogwarts Headboy, my arse. They must give that title to the stupidest of the stupid. Is that what you think I do all day? Ride around on dragons and give them special treats and pet them like docile little puppies? God, do you think I braid their hair too?!?"

"Do dragons have hair? I'm pretty sure they don't."

"THAT IS NOT THE POINT!"

Bill was full-on laughing by then, but Charlie paid no mind. Charlie whipped his shirt off and tossed it to the ground, his back covered with a myriad of colourful dragons and, oddly enough, a lot of inked on roses.

"You see all those tattoos?" Charlie demanded.

Bill ignored the question and returned a like jab. "You take off anything else, and I'll be contaminating the neighbourhood with the Pox when I go running out of here screaming."

"Those cover up the worst of the scars that I got from that puppy-setting, hair-braiding, easy-peasy job of dragon _taming_ that you think I do every day."

Bill wasn't about to fall prey to Charlie's feel-sorry-for-me bit. "How many girls have you got into your bed with that line?"

Charlie grinned, his anger subsiding. "A fair few, a rose for every different girl I've fucked. Admit it, your cock's hard as a rock right now, just thinking about all my scars and my sexy, dangerous job. You're fucking remembering all that curse-breaking you used to do."

Bill walked over and flopped onto Charlie's just-made bed, and took ample pleasure in the irritation that crossed his brother's face at the wrinkled mess Bill was making of the sheets. He squirmed a little more to ruffle the duvet as well. "You really get a rose tattooed on you for every girl you've fucked? You're such a pig."

"You believed that, eh? Boy, you really are off your game. I really need to go make us some dinner," Charlie said, tugging his shirt back on and heading for the bedroom door. "Mum's going to Floo call and give me directions on how I'm supposed to make your chicken soup."

Calling at his back, Bill said, "Oi, Charlie, I got one question before you go."

"Yeah?"

"How long do you have to train a dragon before you can get it to jump through a hoop? Or rollover and play dead?"

"Fuck you." Charlie left the room stomping, and Bill grabbed his side to control the pain when his laughter brought about a new round of coughing.

***

"Ugh, this is the worst chicken soup in the history of chicken soup." Bill was gagging as he ladled in another spoonful of the dreadful brew.

"I'll be sure to Floo Mum and tell her that you find her chicken soup abysmal."

"Mum's chicken soup is great. You did something to it. What? Are you trying to poison me, Charlie Chucklehead?"

"No, Bill Scarface. I didn't think of that. But, now that you mention it…"

"Oi, no disparaging the scars! My wife thinks my hero scars are incredibly sexy."

Charlie snorted. "I always said that woman had something wrong with her eyes. If she had any sense of all she would have picked the sexy Weasley." Charlie flexed his bicep making a red dragon dance upon his skin.

"Perhaps, but Percy was busy being an arse, so she was stuck with me." Bill took another spoonful of soup and gagged. "How much salt did you put in this? It tastes briny."

"Ha, ha. Very funny. Percy! As if!" Charlie tried the soup and began to cough. "Oh, that's really bad. I'll be back. I know where I can get a pretty good pizza. Don't tell Mum."

"Nah, don't bother. I'm not all that hungry anyway. Besides, I stuffed some snacks in the bedside table drawer when Fleur wasn't looking."

"She'd kill me if I let you eat that stuff when you're sick." Charlie looked at the drawer with longing evident on his face. He had a weakness for sweets. "You won't tell, right?"

Bill held up a hand in an 'I swear' gesture. "Wizard's honour."

"Great." Sarcasm was evident. "If I'm depending on your honour, I'm doomed." Mum and Fleur will fight over who gets to skin me."

"Oh, just get the sweets!"

Charlie sat down on the edge of Bill's bed and pulled out the night-side table drawer. He grew still.

"What's the hold up? Sick man starving to death over here."

Charlie took something from the drawer, but what he held up was not a cake. It was a strap on purple dildo of considerable size. "Care to explain?"

"Erm… not really. No. I forgot that was in there. Put it back."

"So you let that gorgeous wife of yours bugger you, eh?"

"I said put that back."

Charlie dropped the dildo back into the drawer. "For the record, snacks and sex toys don't belong in the same drawer."

"Noted. Hand me the banana cream filled one. You can have the chocolate. Mum said chocolate's not good for the Pox."

Charlie obliged and told Bill to shove over on the bed, so he could make himself more comfortable.

"Don't guess I've really told you that I'm grateful you took off from your job and came to stay with me."

Grinning, Charlie licked the last crumbs of chocolate off his fingers. "It's okay. Now you'll just owe me lots of favours, forever and ever."

"Glad to know you won't hold it over my head or anything."

They both chuckled. "Kind of nice, isn't it?" Charlie said. "It's sort of like when we were back at home, sharing a room and stuff."

"Yeah, I guess it sort of is. Only this time I'm green and blotchy."

"Well, I always was the better looking one."

"You wish." Bill gave Charlie's shoulder a shove, and Charlie sprang from the bed and headed to the kitchen. He came back with a handful of pills.

"I almost forgot to give you your medicine. Here, take these."

Bill did, and Charlie sat back down beside him on the bed.

"Gods, I miss Fleur," Bill said with a sigh.

"Don't be such a selfish git. Her parents never get to see her. They're loving having some time with Fleur and the girls."

"Yeah, I guess. It was supposed to be a family vacation though. You know, after the new baby was born. We were going to surprise them with a visit. Kingsley had already promised me an International Portkey and everything."

"You can still go for a visit after the baby comes in December."

"Is it hot in here?" Bill asked.

"No, it's probably just the medicine. Mum said they may have some side effects. You want a new glass of water?"

"Nah, I'll be okay. I really, really miss Fleur though. If she was here right now—" Bill shifted his hips and thrust up in crude fashion.

Charlie covered his ears and closed his eyes. "Oh Merlin, she's pregnant!!! You can't do that stuff you're thinking about doing to pregnant women."

Bill tore Charlie's hands away and laughed when Charlie cracked open one eyelid. "Stop being such a child. Of course you can have sex with pregnant women."

"What if you poke the baby's eye out or something?!? This baby's going to be born on my birthday; I feel the need to protect him from having his eye poked out. Keep your cock to yourself, you dumb arse."

"You do realise I already have two girls, right?"

"Oh God, you did that when she was having the girls too? It's probably only because of Fleur's good gene pool that they came out okay."

"Wow, I really do think this medicine is making me miss Fleur… a lot."

Charlie raised an eyebrow in scepticism. "What do you mean by _miss_ her?"

"Exactly what you think I mean."

Charlie looked at Bill's robe and took a big scoot away from him on the bed. "Holy fuck, hatchlings could camp underneath that tent."

"Oh come on, we used to share a room. It's not like this is the first time you've got a glimpse of Little Bill." Bill reached into his robe and pulled out his hard cock. "I really need a wank. I keep thinking about Fleur's great tits. They're so big right now, where she's pregnant. I can't even fit one tit in my hand anymore. It spills out between my fingers."

"Fuck. Don't talk that way. You're going to get all pissed off if I get a hard on for your wife."

"Nah, she's beautiful. Any man in his right mind would have one. You get a free pass this time."

Charlie looked upon him with caution. "And you're sure that when this is over you're not going to want to, you know, kill me or anything?"

Bill closed his eyes in ecstasy, stroking his cock from base to tip with a practiced hand. "You remember back when we lived at the Burrow and we would come home for holidays and sneak over to that house where the Muggle girls lived—the ones without shades on the windows?"

Charlie groaned and pulled the button free of his jeans and pulled down the zip, sliding his hand inside to free his cock. "The ones who used to like to get dressed in front of the window?"

"Uh-huh. Remember what we used to do out there in the bushes?"

"Yeah, I remember the blonde with the big tits and how you'd talk about wanting to slide your dick between those tits and feel her tongue flick over your cock with every stroke. God, I think it was because of those talks that I convinced Tonks to let me titty-fuck her in Seventh Year."

Bill took his hand off his cock and punched Charlie in the arm. "You bastard! She never let me do that and I dated her for three years."

"Yeah, then you went off to Egypt and left her all heartbroken and in need of a Weasley to fuck." Charlie punched back. "And don't hit me with your wanking hand. That's disgusting."

"Sorry. Give me the lotion out of the bedside table."

"Is there anything you don't keep in this drawer?" But Charlie opened it up, poured some lotion in his own hand and passed over the bottle.

"If Fleur was here right now, I'd want her to dress up in those thigh-high black stockings she has and the bra that makes her boobs stick out all pointy. Did you know she got her nipples pierced?"

"Fuck!" Charlie's hand picked up some speed. "You tell me she pierced her pussy and I'm going to come so hard you'll have to clean it off the ceiling."

Bill chuckled. "Nah, she wanted me to pierce my dick. It's called a Prince something or other, but I wouldn't do it."

"Pierce Little Bill? Has she lost her fucking mind? What if he didn't recover or something? I mean, he's perfect the way he is."

"Um, thanks. I think. Did this conversation just get weird?"

"Maybe a little," Charlie conceded. "We should probably go back to talking about Tonks or Fleur's tits. Safer man territory, I think."

"Mmm, Fleur's are perfect. Did you know she would let me lick them afterwards and suckle them until the milk came out when Dominique was a baby and she was still breast feeding. I mean, you know, after she was done." Bill's eyes were closed and he was wanking, stroking his cock quickly at the memory.

"Holy fuck, that is disgusting. I cannot wank to mum-type things."

"It is not disgusting. It's beautiful. When you get married, you'll understand. And you thought her tits were great when we were talking about how she pierced them."

"That's because she wasn't doing mum things with them then. Mums are sacred. They are not to be looked at as wank objects. Besides, I'm never getting married. I like to keep my options open."

"I like my options just fine the way they are," Bill said. "Monogamy's not so bad."

"It sounds like a disease for a reason, Bill."

"Fuckhead. Well, if my wife was here right now, I'd be ripping off all her clothes."

"Oh yeah," Charlie stroked a little faster, that image bringing his cock back to life.

"Filling my hands with those tits of hers and squeezing, watching her throw back her head and moaning my name."

"Keep going," Charlie said with a sigh.

"I'd kiss her until she was so wet she was begging me to fuck her, biting my ear and sucking on my neck."

"Uh-huh." Charlie said it, but the sound was little more than a squeak.

"Then I'd strap that dildo on her and bend over this bed and—" Bill groaned and come squirted over his fingers.

Charlie grabbed the pillow from behind him and hit Bill with it hard. "You fuck! I'm all ready to blow over here, and then you go and make me think of what your disgusting hairy arse looks like all bent over. I may never get hard again. You killed Little Charlie."

"It's what big brothers are for."

"You suck." Charlie punched him hard and stomped from the room, calling back over his shoulder as he made his way down the hallway. "Little Charlie didn't do anything to you and you tried to kill him. You suck so hard. At least you're naming the baby after me. That's the only reason I'm going to even consider forgiving you."

"Fleur's decided to name the baby Louis."

"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?" Charlie was back in the doorway to the bedroom in a flash, with a flaccid Little Charlie bobbing up and down in his unzipped jeans.

"Sorry, man. I didn't want to tell you. I tried to convince her. But she's set on the name Louis and I can't seem to change her mind. I think it's a little girly myself."

"This is fucking insane. You promised your first boy would be named Charlie. So you let your wife wear the trousers and the dildo in this family, eh?" Charlie was pacing back and forth, a nervous habit he'd had since childhood. "I've got it!" he shouted, making Bill jump at the sudden exclamation.

"You've got what?"

"Blackmail evidence. I'm taking this dildo and telling Fleur that if she doesn't name the baby Charlie, I'll tell everyone she fucks her husband in the arse and had her nipples pierced."

"If you do that, she'll kill you."

"Nah, she's all bark and no bite." Charlie took the dildo from the drawer and started out of the room.

"You know that Viktor Krum got tipsy at the wedding and pinched her bum. She kneed him so hard in the groin that he threw up for five hours and walked funny for two weeks. I have that on good authority."

"So, I'll watch out for Little Charlie."

"Charlie, Viktor Krum was already wearing a cup."

"Eep!" Charlie squeaked, but stopped without going any closer to the fireplace.

"You want me to tell you what she did with Roger Davies's broomstick when he grabbed her tit at the Yule Ball?"

Charlie took long, quick strides back towards the bedside table and dropped the dildo into its place in the drawer. "Point made."

"Smart man," Bill said with a nod.

***

Louis Weasley arrived in the world on December 10, missing his uncle's birthday by two days, and his middle name was _not_ Charlie.

 

 

*Additional author's note: The line about hatchlings being able to camp under the tent came from a similar line that Phoebe says on an episode of Friends, only substituting hatchlings for boy scouts. 


End file.
